It's time
By Juan Silveira dos Santos - in
I started to like football because I liked Flamengo.
When I think of this club, the first thing that comes to mind isn't my time playing soccer. My strongest memory will always be when, still a fan, I'd go to Maracanã with my father. He'd leave early to go grocery shopping, and I, apprehensive about whether or not we'd get a ride to the stadium, waited for him to return while my mother served Sunday lunch.
I was, am, and will always be a part of the Red-Black Nation with all my heart. Just like you, reading this farewell now, I also suffered greatly and lived Flamengo intensely during my time in the stands—emotions that I had to adapt to during my playing career. This fan base is unique. My connection to all of this is very strong.
I was very young when I played my first professional match. At 17, it's hard to grasp everything that's happening when thousands of people are reacting to what you're doing on the pitch. It all happened so quickly. It's a unique feeling. In a matter of days, you go from fan to player.
At that moment, I remembered that 11- or 12-year-old kid who tried out for Flamengo's youth academy and made it into the youth ranks. I still didn't quite understand what was about to happen, and it only really sunk in when I actually started playing for the club.
I always say that my father passed on my passion for soccer to me, but my mother was the one who helped me become a professional. My father made me a fan. My mother made me a player. She took me to training sessions and matches, near and far. My mother was my greatest companion in the pursuit of this dream.
Nothing ever made me think about giving up.
Dona Val and Mr. Roberto gave me a sister, but Flamengo gave me several great brothers. One of them was Julio Cesar. My relationship with him began at Grajaú Country Club's indoor soccer team. We'd often play futsal in the morning and then go to Maracanã together to watch our team in the afternoon. I strongly encouraged Julio to try out here. The people in my age group, from 1979, still have a great relationship today. I built a close friendship with Reinaldo, Athirson, Bruno Quadros…
Returning to Flamengo, my home, was something I always wanted, nurtured, and worked hard to make happen while I was still able to play at a high level. Some things happen in life and are beyond your control. It happened to me. But the first concrete opportunity I had to return, I did. I wanted to end my career here. I was at Internacional, still competing in the Libertadores, and the possibility of returning opened up because I would be out of contract at the end of the year. It was a dream of mine. We talked right after the Brazilian Championship, and everything worked out.
It wasn't overnight. I've been thinking about ending my career since last year. From the moment I returned to Flamengo until now, I've lived year after year, reflecting on what I'd done and deciding whether to continue. 2018 was more difficult; my physical problems increased and were compounded by my psychological ones. With each injury, I had to summon more strength to return and start over. I demand a lot from myself, and people expect a lot from me.
Until I decided to stop at the end of last year. But I got injured again, and they started urging me to keep going, to at least come back and finish my career playing. So I made that extra effort, but already convinced that I would stop after the State Championship.
My teammates are the ones who ask me to stay the most. They really believe in me. It was a dream come true. But the time has truly come. Unfortunately, the time has come.
My family supports me, but Monick and the boys get upset sometimes, not 100% sure I have to stop. Anyway, they follow my daily sacrifice and know how much effort I put into playing, that this routine is very tough and exhausting. They'll all be with me tonight. As they always have been. And now they'll be more than ever, since football will leave a big place in my life. On Sunday, I'll wake up without being a player, without training to go to. I think a former athlete's first week is the best in the world, when you do everything you want. But, knowing me well, I'm sure that in the following weeks I'll already be agonizing with longing.
I try not to think about the end, but I can't. I've been sleeping poorly, eating poorly, and feeling like the countdown is ending. It's going to be the hardest game of my life. And, without a doubt, a special night.
I've traveled the world and seen great teams up close. I've never encountered fans like ours. In hardship or happiness, we're always there, always together. I thank each and every one of you for all the affection you've shown me. I'm sorry if I didn't always smile when you sang my name. I'm very focused when I step onto the field and have always been shy, but those who know me say I've improved a lot. I promise it was a huge joy to hear you. I truly never imagined I could reach this level. I will carry you forever in my heart.
Today, thousands of Flamengo fans will go to the stadium to see me say goodbye wearing the Sacred Mantle. This will always be the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Flamengo: going to Maracanã to see my team play.
Today, for the last time, I step onto the field to play for you.
With love,
Juan Silveira dos Santos.
